In the corporate world, it's easy to find people claiming they are good under pressure, and even perform better.
That was the case for me throughout my whole life, or so I thought. What I realized recently is that I just hadn't reached a point where pressure was transformed into overwhelming stress. But I have now, and pressure is no longer a good motivator.
Let me tell you why.
What working under pressure taught me
The background story
Ever since I was in school, I've noticed I was more likely to study when I had an exam coming up, an essay, or a group project to present. The same thing in college: the closer I was to a deadline, to a final, or to a presentation, the better and more effectively I studied and performed.
I started repeating this same pattern at work, but as time went on, I realized something was very different from what I had previously experienced. There was no exam to test some specific knowledge, there weren't presentations to be graded and there weren't levels to reach and surpass anymore.
The motivations here changed radically, and so did the consequences of doing or not doing a certain task.
I mean, sure, you can say that getting promoted and reaching new higher roles is a form of surpassing levels, but the timelines, the playbooks, and the motivations for it are radically different than before. We all know there is so much more to it. Gains and games that weren't there before.
And there is no definite end to it either. You just keep going as best as you can until you either retire or have a new line of business.
That very line of thought became clearer to me, the closer I got to both of my burnout crises.
Toxic work pressure
I had a leadership that demanded and demanded, expecting a technical level I'd never before reached or was given time to.
Deadlines started slipping one by one, as I didn't have the same amount of mental energy to deal with them amongst all the pressure I facing.
This time, the closer I got to a deadline, the more I froze. The more incapable I became, the less motivated I was when I had to complete what was asked of me. What was the point of it all, though?
Was I supposed to, from that point on, solely focus on appeasing an angry boss, raise numbers on a KPI spreadsheet, and prove time and time again that I was deserving of that holy pressure?
I was told I wasn't good enough to try other positions in other teams, that I was too insecure, and too young to know better. I was told I didn't have the qualities one of my coworkers had to be a good leader and that I was supposed to be more technically knowledgeable.
All that while working from home, alone in a different city with my dog, and barely going out during the week.
When I say I got less motivated by the hour, I mean I started to develop anxiety episodes every single Sunday night, wishing something bad would happen to me, my apartment, my family, or my dog. Bad enough that I wouldn't have any other choice but not work.
I didn't want to seem weak to other people at work, especially to myself, so that type of grave situation would fit my need for mental rest without me even realizing it back then.
Once I got fired from the first start-up I worked at, I felt broken, angry, depressed, and extremely wronged. I had a healthy environment before all that, I had coworkers I felt comfortable with and I had a good perspective on my professional life.
I brought all of that weight to the next company I worked at and, to no one's surprise, failed to bring value to the table.
Working under pressure had become a trigger.
And it's not just outside pressure. It's the pressure within, that one voice that is dying to prove to everyone that I'm actually good enough, that I belong, and that I can perform.
Instead of becoming a diamond, I became an iceberg.
How I got out of that mindset
First of all, I rested, even if I didn't want to. I was borderline forced to. I needed to slow down
I was told by one of my mentors and the CEO of the last start-up I worked at that I should take advantage of having a great support system. I needed them at that moment and my headspace needed to be cleared.
I was carrying too much weight from past bad experiences and whether I liked it or not, I should spend a few months not working or thinking about work.
I needed to resignify what pressure meant to me. I documented some of my internal work on my first blog posts, you can find them here, just make sure to scroll down a little.
As much as I didn't want to admit, he was 100% right. I need to heal.
I got more in touch with myself, my likes and dislikes, I talked to several people about it, I confided in close friends and my family, and I had support (financial and emotional).
I needed 7 months to feel ready to work again, and when I did, I started slowly. I took on a part-time position in a lovely sustainable fashion company and slowly dipped my toes in a healthy and caring workspace again. I felt stronger this time.
As I'm writing this post, I'm about to begin my third week working for a Danish e-commerce company, with an international team. I know my limits now, and I'll stand by them.
Nothing is more important to me than myself and that has become my new rock. Maybe even my diamond.
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