A little context to start
If you've been keeping up with the latest posts, you'll know that I've kind of been obsessing over Nathaniel Drew. In this post, I talked a bit about some insights I had while watching a video of his but various other topics caught my attention and deserve a post of their own.
This time, I want to talk about what peace means to me and how to identify actual and authentic likes and dislikes. That way is easier for us to consistently, mindfully, and intentionally put ourselves on the path of a more meaningful and curated life.
Let's start with why this topic caught my eye in the first place. While writing the posts I share here, for me to actually publish them, I have to
be proud of what I wrote
feel like that's exactly what I wanted to discuss
feel like I got my point across
vibe with the subject at that specific time
Because of those filters, I started developing a draft page that is soon-to-be quite substantial. I also have a table in Notion with post ideas, subjects I want to discuss, possible release dates, post titles, etc...
Everything in those spaces has touched me in some way, otherwise, they wouldn't have ended up there, right? But to invest my time and energy into creating a storyline that gets my point about a certain subject across, I have to feel like that's all I want to do at the time I write it. I have to be at peace with doing exactly that.
Let's dive a bit deeper, shall we?
That has not always been the case for me. From a very young age, I've been quite insecure about sharing and meeting my emotional needs and wants, as I've briefly discussed here. Except for when I wrote, sharing likes and dislikes has always seemed like a point of conflict I was bound to have with anyone, which led to a lot of crying. I started keeping it all to myself and contending myself with less or different than what I needed emotionally in order to avoid conflict, letting people down, or not corresponding to their expectations towards me.
The more I matured and grew up, the more I made a conscious effort to be ok with my needs and wants and tried to externalize them. That sense of peace with some choices I made started growing within me.
People-pleasing, especially in the corporate world, is a dangerous game to play because you also get that sense of peace and accomplishment from an external reaction. Before considering your own opinion about your work, you look to your manager, your peers, and the people that came before you to find validation. You find peace and accomplishment in the eyes of others and put it on a pedestal of what is good or not.
When it all changed
My turning page, as you must already know, was when I reached full burnout from years of overworking myself to be good for everyone else except myself.
We tend to think that our confidence grows when we get that much external validation. Our self-esteem develops because everyone agrees we are awesome, right? Well, the last few months taught me that that is quite the opposite of what self-confidence and self-esteem are. Those feelings have to come from within, otherwise, they wouldn't have self at the begging.
What I mean by that is if we don't see worth in ourselves and our work first, and fully rely on this external source of validation, how can we ever be ok with being just us?
Self-worth goes further. It is a core belief that we are worth it no matter what. No matter where we are in life, how much money we make, where we live, where we work, who we are friends with, and where we were born. No external factor should matter more than being who we are and being proud of how far we've come. Can you see how different that is from being simply praised over and over again?
Back to why this subject has touched me: because being able to see worth in myself no matter what, especially unemployed, has been incredibly healing. I don't need to be in a corporate manager position at 25 to be worth everyone else's time. I don't need to be the best in the team to like and be proud of my work.
Knowing what I like, how I like it, when I like it (and the opposite) has also taught me to be kinder to myself when I do make mistakes. It taught me to know that a mistake does not lessen my abilities and intelligence but rather makes me more human and gives me a chance to correct and better myself. It has also taught me about my limits and boundaries.
And for me, that is what peace is looking like. My path, my choices, and even my mistakes are truly sitting well with me. I feel accomplished to be coming back to me.
How about you? Do you have a different take on it? Let's chat in the comments!
X.O.
IAS
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