If we were to talk about life-long skills I would like to master or at the very least, get very good at, this is it: Caring less about what other people think of me.
As a self-declared people pleaser, that is one of my biggest challenges in life. I greatly admire the people in my life who seem to do it and I almost envy them. Why can't I do it as well?
Oh, but if you know me, you know there is a backstory.
Caring since always?
Ever since I can remember, I have cared to present myself in a way that would cause a good first impression. I was taught to be polite, well-mannered, and joyful and that's what I've tried to be for all my life.
On that note, being made fun of and having people dislike or talk badly about me has been a highly stress-inducing topic.
Ever since I can remember, that's one of the things I dreaded the most. I hated crying because of this and still do, to this day.
I hated presenting projects in school and later on in college and I still get very sweaty palms and mild heartburn every time I have to lead some meeting at work. Which is just insane.
So this week I started wondering when it all started, and at what age?
Being an anxious toddler and child
I do not take anxiety lightly and only say this because I've been diagnosed with chronic anxiety by a psychiatrist and therapist. I started therapy at 13 because I just couldn't handle it.
My first memories as a toddler and child were very fear-based. I hated crying, I hated being alone and I hated to know what others thought of me.
I remember being labeled as shy for most of my life because I've always been afraid of putting myself out there. That came in the form of avoiding school presentations such as in theater or dance, avoiding asking questions or giving an answer loud and clear, and sometimes, even avoiding playing something I had never seen before.
I need to know what was considered good before I even tried something out, so I wouldn't make a mess out of myself. Yes, as early as 4 or 5 years old.
The truth is that I was only afraid of what I considered bad attention, so I wasn't shy, perse, but highly avoidant.
Teenage years and early 20s
As I said before, I started therapy at 13, so aging and therapy helped me immensely, although I couldn't see that in the beginning.
I didn't stop avoiding the situations right away, but I was starting to understand my whys, at least.
I vividly remember when Facebook was suddenly a thing and I must have been around 15 or 16 at the time.
My school class had a Facebook group to help with questions regarding homework and deadlines. One of the boys had asked something about a project that was due that week and my answer was a little confusing. I heard from a colleague later on that one of the boy's friends had started saying something along the lines of how stupid I was to give that answer and how I had no friends who could tell how dumb I was.
That was so paralyzing to me that I couldn't even look at the friend's face for quite a while.
I started avoiding social media completely and have ever since been afraid of putting myself out there and looking stupid.
College and early adulthood hit me with more maturity, but also a sense of danger if I showed other sides of myself.
I saw other colleagues being made fun of in their first year and deeply pitted them.
I had slowly been deciding that I would never put myself out there, especially on social media, and spent most of my 20s with that fear.
Mid to late 20s
Most people who have been in my life for all those years would consider me an introvert, but I'm no longer sure that I agree with them.
I am comfortable under a spotlight if I trust the people I'm with and myself at the moment. I like reaching out and connecting to people and I feel I need as much social connection as I need time alone to recharge. I love going to work conferences and parties as much as I enjoy my cozy play session on my partner's PC.
Does that make me an ambivert? I'm not sure.
But one thing me and my therapist were able to identify was that I actually had developed social anxiety, out of the fear of other's negative opinion of me. I was 25 when we got to that conclusion.
Social anxiety, hum?
So, my diagnosis was made and now I could deal with it, right? I mean, yes, but how? I was also the only person I knew of who dealt with social anxiety, so how could I make anyone relate?
I am not sure if that is my mission, as much as I think confining in people I trust is.
The way social anxiety works for me is that I, in my mind, go through every interaction I have on a certain occasion that could be misinterpreted.
I also try to watch out for interrupting people, sounding too excited about something, and overall looking dumb and stupid.
That is such a key point because one of the characteristics I most admire about myself is intelligence. I like reading and writing, I like studying languages, I like perfecting skills, I like being able to discuss more complex topics such as international politics, AI, the tech world, etc...
So when I'm called dumb or stupid, it actually deeply affects my identity and my self-worth, which is something I talk about so much on here.
How I'm choosing to deal with it
First of all, recognizing the problem is half of the battle, right? By understanding why I feel so terrible when confronted with negative opinions of me I can try to shift my thinking patterns.
Knowing other people might not agree with a vision or opinion I have doesn't make it any less valuable as making mistakes and "looking stupid" doesn't decrease my intellect and self-worth.
Way, waaay easier said than done. But our minds are a muscle and they should be exercised.
Having trusted people around whom you can discuss it is also important here, so you can get a kind outside view of yourself.
I like to make better sense of what I feel and think by writing it out. It almost organizes my mind in a way, because I'm forced to slow things down to put them on paper (or a blog post). If that is painting, drawing, or singing to you, go for it. Express yourself.
Last but not least, and if possible, go to therapy! I'm at a moment in my life where is not possible, but if I could, I would go back to it in a heartbeat.
Do you deal with that as well? What's it like for you?
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